What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 13:52
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When you visit a store, do you go to shop or buy?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Quia qui rem laborum itaque vel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
I was very sick at this time too.
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
All the time i was locked up.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My life is so biszare .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was 9 years of age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So, i spoilt her more .
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Would this be the day?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I waited trembling.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
I said to her
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
And i lived it daily.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It was going to be , some day.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years